New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Someone shattered a urinal.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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