I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
