Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
