make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
