This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
