My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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