i may or may not be watching the land before time
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
