Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
