and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
