I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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