Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
