I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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