just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
