once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
