Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
