Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
