I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
