1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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