Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
