the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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