Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
