my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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