Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
