peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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