My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
