Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
