Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
