So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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