Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
