He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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