I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
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