Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
