So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
