I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I have tasted many bathrooms
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
