and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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