believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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