My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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