the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
