Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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