I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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