Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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