Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
it's not cheating when I paid for it
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
