So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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