just come out here and I will go home with you...
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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