I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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