Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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