So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
