I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
