Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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