i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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