if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So much Jack, so little girl.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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